2015 Goals

1. Finish Projects: I have a scrapbook that I was doing for a friend that was supposed to be a birthday and then a Christmas present. I spend so much time doubting myself and saying "She'll hate it. She could do it so much better." Just do it. I put time into this and when I do finish it; I'm sure she'll like it and if she doesn't. Well that's not my problem at that point. 
2. Change Myself (Physically): I have had my hair the same way for as long as I can remember. I had to get it cut fairly short and I hated it. I basically kept it up until it grew out. I spend so many days shoving my hair up in a bun/ponytail/braid. And my hair is long, dry, and hard to deal with. So get it cut, maybe get bangs; remember that it's only hair. *Sigh* It will grow back and you can do the same ole thing! And I could stand to lose about 10-15 pounds, a little flubber and a lotta love handles, but if I want to change that I have to exercise. I'm so good at being lazy! Put in that Jillian Michaels' DVD, jump around, be more active, leave the damn house! When the Spring hits, go for that run! Hit that 5k, be careful but keep going. 
3. Mental Change: Stop the self doubt! Find the confidence that I lost somewhere around 21! I Sure the pounds packed on and maybe I realized that I wasn't as pretty as I thought that I was but that doesn't mean that I'm not worth it. I have to learn to ignore my own self doubts, I'm interesting (sometimes), and I can talk to people but I'm so shy! I find it really hard to believe that anyone is interested in what I say and if they aren't? God it just proves to my doubting mind that I'm boring! Mentally I need confidence in myself, so that I can deal with whatever should come. 
4. Make Memories: Instead of sticking to myself and then feeling bad that I missed out on things. Show up and make those memories. It goes with mental change! I know I'm an introvert but I can be interesting, so I just have to remember that spending time with people isn't a chore. It's fun and I should make the absolute most of it. Plus if it's summer, I can always read a lot! 
5. Travel: Even if this is only to see friends who are not so far away. It's a start. Well to do that I have to get my passport renewed and that's on my list! So passport renewed and then the next step is, see the old friends. Start small and then see the world; even if it is on my own. 
6. Take more pictures: I used to be the photographer for my friends. I always had my camera with me and even though I didn't like to be in pictures a lot. I managed to capture some good and not so good pictures. So take pictures with people! If I travel and take pictures maybe I can make a scrapbook of my year. Start a project and finish it. See it all comes full circle! 
7. Have a month where I read a book every day: I love reading but it comes back to the not finishing things. I leave them and just don't finish them! I have a whole shelf of books and I'm downloading them nonstop on my kobo/kindle app, plus scribd.com. So I'm not allowed to buy anymore books or download anymore until I finish some. At least most. I'm gonna have to start getting up early to do all of this! 
8. Write More: I have a lot of ideas about things that could be good books. I'm not an author, not even close but I like to write and it's good for my imagination! So write more, even if I think it's stupid.

That's all that I have to say for now! I think eight things to work on throughout the next months of 2015 is enough! Maybe I'll write an update every month and see if I am actually doing what I say I'm doing!

What is Happiness?

Happiness for me is...

My Cat: Rusty

The one and only Rusty! I lost the first cat that I considered mine back in February of 2009. Rusty was a tiny, stray kitten who became part of the family on July 5th, 2009. I picked him from a litter of his brothers and sisters. I don't know why but we just seemed to click from the start. He was mine and I was his. He is my baby and I tell him that. As you can see a prince, he even wears a sweater to protect him from the cold! We may have our nights of not loving each other so much and there are times where I'm sure he wants to bite me but love is what it is! 

My Family

Dad and I in 1990

Mom, a lamb, and me around 1990

My brother and I, 1995.

Good, bad, and the ugly; your family is going to see you through all the highs and lows in life. If you are very lucky, they will stick with you through it all and still be able to deal with you. My family means a lot to me, I might not always show it in thee best way but I love them and I would do anything for them. I thought that I was completely independent there for a while and then I was put back down to earth. In so little time, one decision for me and everything was different. I couldn't have got through that time without my family. You will not always be at your best nor will you be at your worst. Take the time to appreciate them! 

My Friends

If you're as lucky as I am, you've had some of your friends your whole life, some of them in the teenage years, and some of the from university/collage. Different stages and different people, all completely unique. Having someone that you grew up with and have seen you through all your stages is amazing but at times it can be hard because you see the way that you used to be and you know that you are not the person that you used to be but change happens. That friend for me is in most of my best stories, in most of my favourite memories, and is the keeper of a whole lot of not so great secrets. The high school friend who was around most of the school years can make you look back and remember the care free days and the funniest times but can also bring them back in a way. Days of games and predicting engagements, things just become tradition and you just don't know why. There doesn't need to be a reason, it's just because. University friends are the ones that you lived with and they watched you change from scared to death about your first days of school to a mostly confident individual. You share drunken memories and sometimes rely on each other for your memories, they're amazing, special, and see you in a way that others don't. Are all of them lifelong friends? I believe so, if I'm lucky. And I hope that I am! 

Nature

Sunsets

Daffodils/May Flowers

Beautiful Birdies! 

Cutest duck! 

A Crescent Moon

A Slightly Frozen Ocean

Pink flowers

Winter sunsets

A Chubby Grey Jay

A Distinguished Blue Jay

Nature makes me happy because there is always something to look at. Whether it be snow in the winter or birds/flowers in the summer. You will find something any time. Once you take the time to look outside and find something to appreciate, your own problems seem less. The world is a beautiful place and we only get one life, make the best of it. Which makes me want to travel a lot and take my Nikon with me! Newfoundland is beautiful and if you're lucky enough to be live here, you're lucky enough. If not; come visit! It's pretty! 

Books

I love em! There's no two ways to put that! I have been obsessed with reading and books since I could read or probably even before that because I tortured my father with stacks of them! He read em again and again! I find that losing yourself in a book is such an easy thing; you look down and when you look back up, time has passed, and you didn't even notice it going by. You can be anyone in a book and you can go on any adventure! It's amazing! 

So what is happiness? 

Clearly it's the little things! Those closest to you who can make you laugh over nothing and have so many memories that you could spend hours upon hours reminiscing. Being a pack rat, I have found many happy memories. I really should get back that scrapbook. Life is about enjoying the moments that you are given and being happy might be hard but you should find something that makes it easy. I remember being sad and lonely because I wasn't myself, there were things that were different, I would never be the same; I wrote letters to my friends who had moved away and we kept in contact via these letters and of course the internet. Getting something in the mail could make me smile for days, and I would read those letters until I had them memorized! The shortest note could make me the happiest. You might not know that someone is struggling but you can make their day in the smallest ways! Happiness is about spreading it around, I may not always be happy and I struggle just like everyone else but if a picture of a plump grey jay makes me happy; maybe it will make someone else smile too! Or you know a cat in a sweater with a mohawk! ;) 

Find something that makes you happy and follow it or get lost in it. 

Quarter Life Crisis?

Do you ever have that moment where you just stop and wonder what it is that you are doing with your life? I do! I was in the middle of reading a book today and my mind wandered from the 18th century to the you have accomplished nothing! And that's not true, I do have accomplishments, they just aren't what I thought that they would be at 26. Jeez!
At the ripe old age of 16, I was wise; I wrote in a diary or journal and I had some pretty deep thoughts. Now I have a fear in a way of putting my thoughts somewhere. Starting in about grade 10, teachers start to ask you what you are going to do with your life and if you don't know or haven't really figured it out yet, they tell you to start thinking. Now even in younger me this started a panic and I started to plan out my life. Well, young one, that didn't happen. Life does not go according to plan. When you start to think that you have something figured out, you just don't. I'm back to where I was at 16, trying to figure out what would work well for me. I've thought about it a million times and I have had a million different ideas but then procrastination and other things, minor panic and let me just go back to bed set it. I wonder if people ever stop worrying about if they are doing the right thing?
Now let me write to my 16 year old self and tell her to enjoy the time that she has left in high school because in a year and a bit she's going to go to university. When she gets there she will realize that though she seemed smart in high school, her lazy ass is not going to do as well in university. Things are hard! Studying is important and you and I both know that you don't study. Due to good genes, I read fast, extremely fast. My brain processes words a little faster than other people's do. I didn't realize that I read faster than anyone else but I did notice when I was younger that I was reading longer books than my classmates but they didn't like reading and I did. Grade 5 or 6, we had a class in the library and it was a reading period. We were actually reading and I read a book about Full House and I read it in about half an hour. This is normal for me; my classmates picked on me and picked on me until I lied and said that I had skipped pages. They all laughed and said that they knew it, I couldn't read that fast because the smartest girl in the class couldn't read that fast and she was smart. Ouch. That stings to this day but it also led me to slowing myself down and making sure that I was there for as long as they were and that I was never the first finished reading things. I changed myself to fit in with them and I continued to do it throughout my school years.
Anyway, as I was saying; hmmm off topic much? Because of my actual ability to speed read, I could take short cuts and I didn't study as much as I should have. Which wasn't good for university because no one was regulating me. I did well in my classes but I always found that when something was hard for me, I became frustrated and this might be my downfall. When I get frustrated I will try again but eventually I will give up. And that is not good!
So note to self; figure out what makes you happy and work on it. Don't let the doubts from your ast experiences make you think that you can't because you can. You might not be the smartest person in the world but you're not stupid. You will figure it out and you'll do it in your own time. It's not a race. You've picked yourself up before and you will do it again!